Fasting

Today was a day of low motivation. I've been torturing Yuan Yuan for the last two months by forcing her to exercise a bit every day, specifically do five sets of sit-ups. She gets one day a month off, plus one sick day for when her period hits. I noticed over a year ago that she doesn't exercise at all and I kept trying to make her start an exercise routine. I also wanted her to lose some weight, which is why she's currently on the Steve Ward diet where she's to lose 10 pounds in 2 months, a reasonable pace I think. Alas, positive reinforcement suffered a major defeat in the war against laziness and gluttony. So two months ago I came up with a particularly sadistic more-evil-than-usual motivation plan.

According to this plan, she has to do five sets of sit-ups every day. If some day she doesn't do sit-ups, I fast the entire next day. It sounds a little perverted and risky but it's been working so far. Then about a week ago, she didn't exercise one day and I was all set to not eat and make her feel guilty when she recalled she had one day off every month. I was pretty happy she remembered because the thought of fasting is the hungriest thought in the universe.

Then two days ago she got her period and had pretty intense cramps so sit-ups took another break. And then yesterday she skipped again, but this time out of pure laziness and sleepiness. So today I've had nothing but water, and occasionally boiled water, which is like a placebo for real water--no matter how much you drink, you never have to go to the bathroom, provided you know it's a placebo. Yuan Yuan's been feeling pretty guilty all day and has been periodically begging me to eat something. At one point she spent twenty minutes with her ear glued to my stomach, listening to the frustrated growls of an organ used to getting candy every five minutes. I don't know if the two things are connected, but after that she professed a desire to go jumprope and shattered the current jumproping record in our house. The new record stands at 650. Finally she couldn't stand my hungry company anymore and went back to the hostel early.

It's tempting to say "that'll teach her!" but I think I'll save my energy for the pushups.

The knot of the day is The Perfection Loop:


image borrowed from animatedknots.com

If you want a little loop on the end of your rope that's in line with the rest of it, this is what you need. If you don't need one of those, you might need a life.

Lies

I finally shaved today, mostly hair off of my face, but also about about 10 years worth of appearance. I am now smooth as a freshly flogged bottom, and finally less hairy. I can almost understand why Mario wants to get a Brazilian wax so badly, smooth skin is fun. Unfortunately, other people know it's fun too, and I'm starting to feel a little bit like one of those greasy goats at the petting zoo.

The sugar low is still killing me. I haven't started dreaming about chocolate yet, which means the worst is yet to come, but they sing to me from every cabinet in the kitchen, every bookshelf, every desk drawer, from under every upturned bowl. Yes, this is a very loaded house for a person in my position. My dental floss lies right next to a big jar of Jolly Ranchers that scream "Eat Me!" I almost accidentally strangled myself the last time I flossed.

Still, I lucked out. No sweets is a trifle compared to what could have been. You have to know Gene a bit to understand what I'm talking about.

Gene is a fan of drastic measures. If you say "let's take a vacation" and then pop a Honey Nut Cheerio, before you can crack it open he's already found a buyer for the house. If you suggest a half-hour meditation, you get put in the meditation stocks for three hours. When I naively released "let's not eat sugary foods for a month," just before I decided whether or not it was meant rhetorically, Gene was already pitching his own version: "That's ridiculous! Just give up sweets? That's way too hard. We're not eating at all."

Fortunately I have a mother who still has residual maternal instincts.

More polls below. Can you believe these are people's actual responses? Me neither.

If someone says/does something and you have the urge to feel offended, what do you do?

Mark: impossible situation. I'm always offended to begin with, saves me the trouble.

Ellen: impossible situation. I never leave the house and I screen my calls.

Mario: impossible situation. The urge to get offended? I've definitely never felt that...until now! How dare you accuse me of such a thing!

Gene: oof, that's a tough one. On the one hand, if I get offended, I get to skip today's movie according to the rules of the no-getting-frustrated 30-day trial. On the other hand, if I don't, I'll miss out on the 3 hour meditation to surrender the offended feeling to Buddha. Ah, never mind, impossible situation! I'm on a 30-day trial of not having any urges.

Chun: I keep on writin' that med school essay. It's not going to write itself! Although...maybe the tear stains on the paper will get me some bonus points! You think?

Pei: they will apologize. I will provide dirty looks and the silent treatment as hints.

Lucy: you ever seen Oldboy? I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.

Perry: make up sex usually solves the problem. Sometimes you need a stand-in though. Sometimes both of you do; wouldn't want to exacerbate the situation. God, people are ugly!

Igor: why would Renata say/do something like that?

Madelyn: get offended. Then buy lots and lots of shoes. Then take slow and painful revenge. First I play mind games with them until they beg for mercy, then I shoot them in the back of the head, 1984 style. HAHAHAHA!

Funny:

Mark: when do you want to go? (to the grocery store)
Gene: never
...
Gene: but in 30 minutes is fine

Wednesday

I've been losing consciousness a lot lately. I find myself waking up at any given time of the day in front of the open door of the refrigerator with high expectations of finding something.

I had a dream today where yet another girl fell for my charms. If girls are anywhere close to as easy in real life as in my dreams, then I've missed out on college life more than I thought. Unfortunately my conscience is also much less dormant in the dream world, and wouldn't let me do a damn thing before talking it over with Chun.

Another unreported case of stomach abuse happened today, and sadly, no one will ever know. I had a dinner appointment with grandma, and those are not broken without consequences (Grandma has a collection of brass knuckles). However, I hadn't told Mom of my plans, and just as I was about to go, she called me to the dinner table. I stuttered something or other in my defense, but she grabbed my by the figurative nape of the neck and fed me till she deemed me full. Meanwhile, grandma called me on my cell, and demanded to know why I wasn't there when the food was hot and already on the table. I told her I'd be there as soon as I could but she demanded to know why I couldn't leave the house immediately. I bleated something about being there soon and hung up hoping everything would just blow over. It did eventually, but I had to suppress many a gag reflex, and Mario had to eat about half of the food on my plate while she wasn't looking.

On another note, "nasal septum" has vacated its spot on Google Trends as #37 most popular search. #37 is now occupied by "thong injury" - a rather radical jump in interest content. I am eagerly anticipating tomorrow's winner.