Lies

I finally shaved today, mostly hair off of my face, but also about about 10 years worth of appearance. I am now smooth as a freshly flogged bottom, and finally less hairy. I can almost understand why Mario wants to get a Brazilian wax so badly, smooth skin is fun. Unfortunately, other people know it's fun too, and I'm starting to feel a little bit like one of those greasy goats at the petting zoo.

The sugar low is still killing me. I haven't started dreaming about chocolate yet, which means the worst is yet to come, but they sing to me from every cabinet in the kitchen, every bookshelf, every desk drawer, from under every upturned bowl. Yes, this is a very loaded house for a person in my position. My dental floss lies right next to a big jar of Jolly Ranchers that scream "Eat Me!" I almost accidentally strangled myself the last time I flossed.

Still, I lucked out. No sweets is a trifle compared to what could have been. You have to know Gene a bit to understand what I'm talking about.

Gene is a fan of drastic measures. If you say "let's take a vacation" and then pop a Honey Nut Cheerio, before you can crack it open he's already found a buyer for the house. If you suggest a half-hour meditation, you get put in the meditation stocks for three hours. When I naively released "let's not eat sugary foods for a month," just before I decided whether or not it was meant rhetorically, Gene was already pitching his own version: "That's ridiculous! Just give up sweets? That's way too hard. We're not eating at all."

Fortunately I have a mother who still has residual maternal instincts.

More polls below. Can you believe these are people's actual responses? Me neither.

If someone says/does something and you have the urge to feel offended, what do you do?

Mark: impossible situation. I'm always offended to begin with, saves me the trouble.

Ellen: impossible situation. I never leave the house and I screen my calls.

Mario: impossible situation. The urge to get offended? I've definitely never felt that...until now! How dare you accuse me of such a thing!

Gene: oof, that's a tough one. On the one hand, if I get offended, I get to skip today's movie according to the rules of the no-getting-frustrated 30-day trial. On the other hand, if I don't, I'll miss out on the 3 hour meditation to surrender the offended feeling to Buddha. Ah, never mind, impossible situation! I'm on a 30-day trial of not having any urges.

Chun: I keep on writin' that med school essay. It's not going to write itself! Although...maybe the tear stains on the paper will get me some bonus points! You think?

Pei: they will apologize. I will provide dirty looks and the silent treatment as hints.

Lucy: you ever seen Oldboy? I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.

Perry: make up sex usually solves the problem. Sometimes you need a stand-in though. Sometimes both of you do; wouldn't want to exacerbate the situation. God, people are ugly!

Igor: why would Renata say/do something like that?

Madelyn: get offended. Then buy lots and lots of shoes. Then take slow and painful revenge. First I play mind games with them until they beg for mercy, then I shoot them in the back of the head, 1984 style. HAHAHAHA!

Funny:

Mark: when do you want to go? (to the grocery store)
Gene: never
...
Gene: but in 30 minutes is fine

Sugar

The last couple days have proved that it is possible to survive eating only sugar. I don't mean sustain oneself and not starve. I mean eat Tootsie Rolls for breakfast, pudding for dinner, and a 60%-40% Tootsie-Roll-to-pudding split for brunch, lunch and 2nd lunch, AND (this is the important part) not die or lose more than four teeth a day. I have accomplished this feat singlehandedly and have not even felt any side effects, though I wouldn't recommend it to the average weakling. The only hard part of this most worthy endeavor is getting Tootsie Rolls into your mouth when your arm and head are shaking at different frequencies.

Yesterday introduced me to a wonderful new show - Manswers. "You've got questions, we've got MANSWERS!" In one half hour session with Manswers, I learned invaluable street smarts. I now know three ways to survive a tiger attack, how tiny my bikini can be without getting me arrested, how much more the average pimp is making than I am, what set of sexual preferences makes a girl easier to get into bed, and why chickens and humans have identical tastes in women. Compare this to what I learned in four years of college - that it's only a temporary respite before you need to get a job, and I think we can agree America needs to rethink the education system.

I've been learning some Led Zeppelin songs lately. It's tremendous fun. It's also a bit like putting on glasses that flip your perception of left and right and then running around the house at top speed, but applied to rhythm instead of vision. I've realized now how relatively sane most rock/metal bands' music is when it comes to time signature. 4/4 time, 3/4, 9/8, even 7/8 are manageable when the whole song sticks to one or two, but in Zeppelin songs, you're liable to have measures thrown in seemingly at random with half a beat missing, or an extra three. And then, when you're back in 4/4 and you think it's smooth sailing, you get taken again. They mercilessly throw you a 9/8 riff over that 4/4 and your brain-fingers connection melts right down. Awesome.

...

We just went to Starbucks again. This time we planned out the whole operation and the result was a resounding success. We managed to spend somewhere between twelve and thirteen dollars from Mario's giftcard on two drinks and two scones. This is quite an achievement when you consider that twenty five dollars feeds the two of us for a week.