Monday, life is coming to an end in this house. It's supposed to be that part of the 30-day no-sugar-added trial where all other impulses are abandoned as well, but we haven't decided quite what this means yet. Some ideas presented to the board were:
1. Do the opposite of every impulse, a la Seinfeld, where George does it to great effect on a first date: "I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." Best pick-up line ever. Actually, the only thing separating me from George-hood right now is a Herculean body, bountiful hair, fantastic talents, 20/20 vision, intense self-appreciation, and easy-goingness. Otherwise, I'm pretty much channeling the lifestyle.
2. Meditate 12 hours a day. This is the most realistic one of course. Unfortunately, in a different reality.
3. Become more aware of each moment by doing everything differently, i.e. only getting around by hopping, only chewing using incisors, only going to the bathroom in August, etc.
4. Get rid of impulses through overindulgement: watch 10 movies a day while sitting in a bathtub filled with chocolate and masturbating continuously. Appealing, but I don't think we have enough movies. Nor is any one of us physically fit enough for the third leg of this simul-triathalon.
5. Fasting. Ha!
6. Just give up! I've had great success with this strategy in the past and I don't know if this is the right time to break in a new one. It's "the easy way out" of course, but the easy way out's bad rap is undeserved. I already have the conversation planned out for when...whoa there, almost let that one get by!...IF I have a son:
Son: Daddy, I took the easy way out today, just like you taught me.
Mark: I'm proud of you son!
Son: And I'm never getting a job.
Mark: That's my boy! And don't you worry, Mama'll support us.
Funny:
(to Pei)
Mark: ur like the soviet union
Mark: has anyone ever told u that?
Mark: I'm only a 100% sure
Gene: well we should check the other 100% just in case
Michelle: he's so cute! He's so cute! He's so cute!
Mark: who's cute?
Michelle: the guy who got skin cancer.
(deciding whether to watch Get Smart or Secret Life of Bees)
Mark (minus brain): ok, let's flip a coin. Tails is Bees because bees have tails.
Showing posts with label get smart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label get smart. Show all posts
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Movies
Saw some more movies today - Get Smart, and the new but still less than incredible Hulk.
Get Smart was fairly entertaining. The Rock plays what he looks - a jolly imbecile. Steve Carell cracks the usual metajokes - they're funny because they're not funny - which is really confusing for my sense of humor; I feel like it's part of some horrible setup to get me to laugh in the wrong situation. Anne Hathaway, my pet peeve, is a little less annoying than usual; I managed to sit through 2 hours of her without slitting my wrists or gouging my eye sockets out with the car keys. I've been trying to zero in on what exactly irritates me about her, ever since her debut into my life with The Princess Diaries. After this insightful movie, I got to wondering again. It's not her legs, or her breasts, I reasoned. Not her skin, not that cute little mole on the inside of her left butt cheek, not her hair, not the blonde bombshell she used to be before the plastic surgery. Hmm...what else is there to a person?? And then I had a breakthrough, when I accidentally hit the mental zoom-out button. The flash went off right away. It's her mouth! That thing looks so normal, and then she speaks. Suddenly, you're staring at a hole with a head attached to it. This made me suspicious. Had I seen Anne Hathaway before The Princess Diaries? After doing some research, I finally found that her breakout role was actually much earlier - on the cover of the Pink Floyd DVD - The Wall:
Now to juxtapose it with today:
Here's another:
What a skeleton in the closet!
(Upon further investigation, I have found that I'm pretty much the last person on the Internet to realize her mouth is huge. Oh well, at least now we all know.)
The new Incredible Hulk was admittedly better than Ang Lee's version, but then again, most of my turds are. Edward Norton has built up some good acting momentum, so he probably felt safe cashing in. Robert Downey Jr. has lost all self-respect - in the movie, he makes a cameo to pimp out himself and Iron Man. After the movie, when I took my ritual cleansing piss, he was handing out flyers by the urinals. I held my bladder till I got home.
Tomorrow's a busy day. I have to wake up at 8 to drive Michelle to school. Then I have to wake up again at 9 to attend some bogus post-graduation award ceremony. She seems confident that she's gonna get something. I'm not up for anything this year, so I'll just be praying for an early dismissal.
Get Smart was fairly entertaining. The Rock plays what he looks - a jolly imbecile. Steve Carell cracks the usual metajokes - they're funny because they're not funny - which is really confusing for my sense of humor; I feel like it's part of some horrible setup to get me to laugh in the wrong situation. Anne Hathaway, my pet peeve, is a little less annoying than usual; I managed to sit through 2 hours of her without slitting my wrists or gouging my eye sockets out with the car keys. I've been trying to zero in on what exactly irritates me about her, ever since her debut into my life with The Princess Diaries. After this insightful movie, I got to wondering again. It's not her legs, or her breasts, I reasoned. Not her skin, not that cute little mole on the inside of her left butt cheek, not her hair, not the blonde bombshell she used to be before the plastic surgery. Hmm...what else is there to a person?? And then I had a breakthrough, when I accidentally hit the mental zoom-out button. The flash went off right away. It's her mouth! That thing looks so normal, and then she speaks. Suddenly, you're staring at a hole with a head attached to it. This made me suspicious. Had I seen Anne Hathaway before The Princess Diaries? After doing some research, I finally found that her breakout role was actually much earlier - on the cover of the Pink Floyd DVD - The Wall:
Now to juxtapose it with today:
Here's another:
What a skeleton in the closet!
(Upon further investigation, I have found that I'm pretty much the last person on the Internet to realize her mouth is huge. Oh well, at least now we all know.)
The new Incredible Hulk was admittedly better than Ang Lee's version, but then again, most of my turds are. Edward Norton has built up some good acting momentum, so he probably felt safe cashing in. Robert Downey Jr. has lost all self-respect - in the movie, he makes a cameo to pimp out himself and Iron Man. After the movie, when I took my ritual cleansing piss, he was handing out flyers by the urinals. I held my bladder till I got home.
Tomorrow's a busy day. I have to wake up at 8 to drive Michelle to school. Then I have to wake up again at 9 to attend some bogus post-graduation award ceremony. She seems confident that she's gonna get something. I'm not up for anything this year, so I'll just be praying for an early dismissal.
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