An Argument for Contraception

Got back from the awards ceremony barely alive. It is definitely going high up on my experience blacklist, right next to the Happening. The awards ceremony is a species of revenge against parents - a hybrid of PTO meetings, school concerts, and Nazi concentration camps. Parents are herded into the bleachers of the gymnasium, shoulder to shoulder, so as to promote rapid sweat gland activation. The room is then heated to 400 degrees. Flesh eating bacteria are deployed from ceiling vats. Six-inch knives are passed out - small intestines and kidneys are removed and passed down the aisle for holding. No bathroom breaks. Then the ceremony commences.

The teachers hold all the power. Figuratively, and literally, because they're walking around with coolers on their heads and little battery-powered fans in their hands. They have a small table stacked with awards, but don't be fooled, it's the most misleading table in the world. Every plaque is really a 500-sheet ream of certificates, every certificate is perforated and turns into 50 ribbons, and every ribbon has 100 stickers on it, to be handed out individually.

The awards start out auspiciously - band, chorus, biggest nerd. You think - this can't take much longer, everyone's already gotten at least three. I was particularly deluded - my sister had the best spot due to her last name - Vayngrib. Applause was requested to be held till all names were called, and for each group, she was almost always the last one. Thus, applause invariably occurred right after her name, which I'm sure has completely corrupted her ego.

Musically talented, artistically talented, dance troupe...on and on, and they all sound reasonable, and they all sound like they're nearing the end. In the back of the gym, you can see some of the teachers playing a drinking game - whenever students from their class receive an award, they take a shot. By now you can hear them too. Most parents are still fighting - cheering and pretending to be happy to not give the teachers the satisfaction - but many have already zombified.

Then it gets ridiculous.

Biggest Jew-fro, Ugliest Girl, Student You Didn't Know We Had, Biggest Bully, Most Hopeless, School Slut, Most Awards This Year, Biggest Asskisser...The parents are losing hope, who makes these up? I can smell fear, or is that the rapidly spreading pitstain of my neighbor?

Finally...after an eternity of sadism, the teachers have had their fill. The parents of the children who received less than 20 awards are called up, and stoned in front of everyone. By this time, no one cares, and are just thankful for the extra breathing room. The bell finally rings, and everyone who's still alive exits with their heads down. A few are carried out on stretchers.

Movies

Saw some more movies today - Get Smart, and the new but still less than incredible Hulk.

Get Smart was fairly entertaining. The Rock plays what he looks - a jolly imbecile. Steve Carell cracks the usual metajokes - they're funny because they're not funny - which is really confusing for my sense of humor; I feel like it's part of some horrible setup to get me to laugh in the wrong situation. Anne Hathaway, my pet peeve, is a little less annoying than usual; I managed to sit through 2 hours of her without slitting my wrists or gouging my eye sockets out with the car keys. I've been trying to zero in on what exactly irritates me about her, ever since her debut into my life with The Princess Diaries. After this insightful movie, I got to wondering again. It's not her legs, or her breasts, I reasoned. Not her skin, not that cute little mole on the inside of her left butt cheek, not her hair, not the blonde bombshell she used to be before the plastic surgery. Hmm...what else is there to a person?? And then I had a breakthrough, when I accidentally hit the mental zoom-out button. The flash went off right away. It's her mouth! That thing looks so normal, and then she speaks. Suddenly, you're staring at a hole with a head attached to it. This made me suspicious. Had I seen Anne Hathaway before The Princess Diaries? After doing some research, I finally found that her breakout role was actually much earlier - on the cover of the Pink Floyd DVD - The Wall:

Now to juxtapose it with today:

Here's another:

What a skeleton in the closet!
(Upon further investigation, I have found that I'm pretty much the last person on the Internet to realize her mouth is huge. Oh well, at least now we all know.)

The new Incredible Hulk was admittedly better than Ang Lee's version, but then again, most of my turds are. Edward Norton has built up some good acting momentum, so he probably felt safe cashing in. Robert Downey Jr. has lost all self-respect - in the movie, he makes a cameo to pimp out himself and Iron Man. After the movie, when I took my ritual cleansing piss, he was handing out flyers by the urinals. I held my bladder till I got home.

Tomorrow's a busy day. I have to wake up at 8 to drive Michelle to school. Then I have to wake up again at 9 to attend some bogus post-graduation award ceremony. She seems confident that she's gonna get something. I'm not up for anything this year, so I'll just be praying for an early dismissal.